Awakening to Grace

Awaken me God.
Awaken my Soul.
Awaken me to all of the possibilities -
the possibilities you have for me to feel and know my belovedness.

As I begin to know my own belovedness help me also to truly know your grace that comes with it.

So that in my knowledge of your grace I may then extend that same grace to myself and to others.

As I begin to extend this grace may I also learn to see those around me as beloved, just as you do.

AMEN.

It Always Comes in Threes

I’m a bit late getting the blog up this week because – well – life happened.  In our family we have a saying, “stuff always comes in threes.” Stuff is the word I use for those random life events that are badly timed and more than inconvenient.  And I don’t know about you but these threesome events always happen in the week where I really don’t have time to add more chaos. This was one of those weeks.

I don’t want to sound like I am whining because I really am not.  I recognize that I am very blessed and the stuff we dealt with this week really was “first world problems.” For a while now our printer has been on hospice, we really have no idea when it will finally decide to quit printing for good, we already can only print in black and white. Then this week my hubby’s computer decided it was time to quit working properly requiring a trip to the Apple store to get it going again, but only for a little bit longer. The computer is on supportive care and will need to be replaced. It was after the computer issue that I realized we were headed towards a string of three.  I was waiting for the third. The third thing came quickly after the computer – our freezer quit working requiring a necessary shopping trip for a new fridge/freezer combo.  All of this in a week that was already full with extra meetings and doctor appointments and a kiddo out of school for two days. What was to be a busy week turned into chaos.

I don’t like chaos.  It is hard to navigate normal life amidst chaos. I find it hard to stay centered. The morning we discovered the freezer broke I could not be still enough to focus on my devotions and I felt guilty about just giving up on them. I worried about how we were going to replace everything that was broken and how my daughter was going to handle the fact that our evening routines were turned upside down for several nights in a row. I tried to remind myself that we are blessed to be able to afford to replace the broken fridge and technology.  I knew I was beyond blessed that I could go to the grocery store and replace the food that was lost due to the broken freezer. I just was annoyed at how my nicely planned week got turned upside down.

And then I experienced grace extended by my 9 year old. She jumped in and did every extra task asked of her with out complaining. She handled with grace an exceedingly long day of running around getting computers fixed and fridge/freezer combos bought. She adapted and moved into the chaos with an amazing flexibility that caused me to stop and refocus and breathe into the chaotic schedule of the week.

Her attitude reminded me that the best way to handle “strings of threes” is to flow into the chaos and tackle it one thing at a time. To find someone to join you in the chaos and help you with the multiple overwhelming tasks, because it is easier to breathe into flowing with it if you are not trying to survive it alone. And if you can find something humorous about it, laugh because laughing lightens the load a bit. And finally, you don’t always have to fix it all in one night (even if it might feel like it). Sometimes you just have to put it all aside for a while, do some self care, get a good nights sleep and come back to it later.

Once I remembered these things, I found myself finding my center again. I began seeing the blessings God was providing like friends loaning coolers and my kiddo waking up in the morning and making me my breakfast smoothie, just to surprise me.  And just like that amidst the chaos of my most recent “string of threes” God’s grace was abundant.

The Words Went On Vacation

Ok, it’s confession time.  I spend a fair amount of time in my life promoting self-care and keeping balance in life.  I’m sure I’ve even written about it at least once here at Chaplainhood.  But lately – like the whole last month of June it has felt like I have been going full out for the entire month.  I had way to many “irons in the fire” and did just too much just trying to survive the day, week, and month.  And now it is July 1 and I have no idea how it got here so fast.

I am tired, and every time I have sat down to write a post I get one or two sentences out and then the brain shuts down and refuses to put forth any more creativity. It seems that for now the words of my soul have decided to take a vacation. And I have finally stopped long enough to listen to the wisdom that comes in the silence of no words to write.

July is a tender month for me; it is the month of Hope’s death and each July I know I need to give an extra measure of grace to myself. And so once again I am extending a measure of grace in allowing the silence of my usual creative writing to just be what it is, silent. I have decided to let my creative writing take the vacation it has already gone on and will be taking the month of July off here at Chaplainhood.

I will be back at the writing thing again in early August with hope for a restored creative spirit. So in the mean time, May blessings surround you wherever your July journeys take you.

If Only....

So I've been feeling a bit guilty about not getting weekly posts up.  But the reality is that the plate has been a bit too full lately and my writing has gotten lost in the fray. The words just won't come. Then I remembered this poem-prayer I wrote in my journal a while back.  It seemed appropriate for this season of my life.

If only I....

These words ring loud in the head.

If only I....

                     got more sleep

                     had a few more hours in the day

                     could get this one project done

                     have a day off

                     get the job

We each have our if only's.

What would it be like if they got replaced with something more life giving?

If only I....

                   remember it's ok to be tired sometimes

                   remember I don't have to do it all

                   remember I am not alone on this journey of life

                   gave myself the grace I extend to others

                   remembered that God is present and to take time in the stillness of God's presence.

I would like to remember these more grace filled if only's.

                                                                                                                AMEN

                   

Mommy would you just be with me: Navigating the doing vs. being of family life

When it comes to just being in the presence of people and not feeling like I have to be doing something, I knock this one out of the park as a chaplain. However, at home it’s a whole other story. Fall and into the Advent/Christmas season tends to be a busy creative time for me with multiple birthdays, Halloween and the requisite costumes, and other tempting seasonal projects. I can get a bit create-obsessed, and it is usually creating for someone I love.   

This is all well and good, particularly when my creating obsession leads me to coolest mom ever status by my daughter because I had created the absolutely perfect “Frozen” themed napkin rings for her fancy birthday dinner. Or more recently as my husband and I spent many hours painting and decorating her newly re-done room, that she has dubbed perfectly her and thus launches us once more to coolest parent status.

But there are other times when my penchant for creating leads me to having blinders on and I then miss what my family is really asking of me. The light dawned one night after “spending time” with my daughter earlier this fall. She was watching a movie and I was sewing something for her. I asked her how the evening was, and in her young truthful way, she told me it was not what she had hoped for. She had really just wanted me to sit on the couch and watch the movie with her. To just be with her, not doing anything.

Let me tell you this was a very humbling moment. It was at that time that I realized the very thing I pride myself on doing so well as a chaplain was the one thing I was really failing at, at home. It is never a pleasant experience having your child call you out on something, especially something so crucial as being fully present to her/him. Fortunately I believe in grace, both giving and asking for it. In this moment, I found myself asking my daughter for grace and forgiveness for missing the mark completely on her need. I was blessed to receive it.

But the thing is, this lesson only works if I make the changes my mistake pointed out to me. So I find myself questioning, why is it so hard to just be with my family? Is it the stack of dishes sitting in the kitchen, the laundry that needs to be done, the to-do list a mile long that drowns out the more important needs of just being quiet and without distraction with my family. Perhaps. Maybe, though, it is more the case that at certain times my priorities get out of whack and I lose perspective on what is truly important. And this is why I am grateful for grace and a very smart daughter.

So as we enter the season of Advent, a time of preparing our hearts for Christ’s birth, I also recognize we are entering a season of busy. The parties, the gifts, the decorating, the baking, and the list could go on. I am trying something new this year I am simplifying and letting my very smart daughter guide me on the experiences of the season that are important to her. I’m taking a brave step and letting go of the seasonal to do list and having faith that the most important things will get done. Hoping that by the time my family is gathered around me on Christmas Eve and Christmas I have given them the best gift of all, my time being fully present with them.

There is one other very important lesson I have learned, sometimes the things you do the best at your job are the hardest to do at home. Because either you are worn out from doing it all day at work, or maybe even more importantly because you can’t really be the chaplain for your family.  But then, that’s another blog for another day.