Finding Belovedness in a Soccer Medal.

I have been reflecting a lot on belovedness in my own devotion time and in my poetry. Many of my thoughts have been centered around how I experience my own belovedness and how I express it to myself. The idea being if I do not know and experience my own belovedness how in the world can I help others see their belovedness.

For me belovedness is essentially that feeling of deep belonging and knowing you have a place in this world community we are participants in. It is knowing that what you have to offer is valued, appreciated and noticed - even when you are acting more than human and not at your best. It is the foundation on which I can build every other aspect of my beliefs, hopes, dreams and goals.

Most of my thinking about and experience of belovedness has centered in my own relationship with God and my Christian spirituality practices. Then last night the concept of belovedness and how we foster it in others was broken wide open at my daughter's soccer practice of all places.

My kiddo has been playing recreational soccer since the age of 4 with the same team and coach.  Our league has the practice of giving out medals at the end of each season. Now I know there are varying opinions out there about participation awards, but hang with me here.

My daughter looks forward every season to playing the last game of the season and getting her medal. I used to think it was all about the medal for her, that is until I really watched her last night as she received her medal from her coach at the end of her last practice. Her coach gets down on eye level with each girl and has something special to say to them that is individual to who they are as a person, how he has seen them grow in their playing and what he appreciates about them and then gives each one their medal.

Last night I watched my daughter's face when it was her turn, I mean I really watched it, as her coach spoke to her.  She was literally alight with a glow, all smiles that reached into her eyes. Her body seemed to want to burst with all that belovedness she was being filled with. And that was when I got it. It is not the medal it self that is important to her. It is everything the medal represents, her place on the team and her relationship with a group of important people in her life. The end of season medal ritual is a place of feeling beloved for her.

Speaking belovedness does not require fancy words or have to be focused only on the religious/spiritual aspect of proclaiming our belovedness in the eyes of God.  Yes that is an important part of building the foundation of belovedness - but there is so much more. It is speaking simple everyday words of positivity and building up to those we meet. Expressing belovedness is something that should encompass every part of our daily living in community. It is expressing our thanks to those around us for just being present in our lives and being who they are.

As we enter this season of Thanksgiving, I find myself deeply grateful for loving, trusted adults who are a part of my child's life and of our family's life that know how to speak these words of belovedness to my child. Because she needs to hear them from people other than just her family. I need to hear them spoken to her by others because it reminds me of all the unique things she has to offer that I may not always see because I am Mom and sometimes very frustrated in my parenting.

These examples also remind me that I have a responsibility to speak belovedness in simple everyday ways to others as well and not just those in my own circle of community. Will you join me on a journey this month to spread belovedness and open eyes and hearts to how we can build important healing connection through speaking belovedness?  I hope so.

Sacred Pausing

I am sure I have written here about taking time to step way from all the activity and engage in what I call “stop days” where all the activities and to do’s are put on hold. Forgive me if I am sounding a bit like a broken record, but I find myself remembering the blessedness of this once again.

I am in the middle of one of those “stop days.” Actually it has been more of a “stop weekend” induced by a projected ice storm. I’m a Colorado girl, snow does not phase me much, however you start talking ice and my deep respect for its slippery, fall and accident inducing ability kicks in. Plans got cancelled for both Saturday and Sunday, including church. Our family was gifted with an entire weekend together in the house.

And it was a sacred gift. I don’t remember the last time we were all able to stay in our jammies past 8:00 am. Or the last time that the schedule only included hanging out, games, baking, TV and movies. Basically just being together with no rush to get through one activity to get to the next place we had to be.

Jesus and the Bible talk a lot about Sabbath and taking Sabbath rest. In my belief it is one of the most important spiritual disciples for maintaining holistic health. Yet it is the one discipline I seem to have the most trouble practicing. It is hard to silence the I really should be doing ____, you can fill in the blank. The doing begins to take over the connecting.

And especially right now, I have come to believe the connecting is critically important. Deep and healthy connecting happens in this pause space. Whether it is connecting more deeply with God or with those most important to you in your life, or maybe it is connecting with the person we don’t know that well, but we know we need to reach out to.

It is when we can put away the busyness that distracts us, that helps protect us from being vulnerable that true connection happens. It is in this space of pause and rest and connection that we can find strength and courage for the journey ahead. It is in this space of slowing down that we connect or re-connect with our source of hope, faith and love.

So today I am grateful for a weather-induced pause. Funny thing is, the ice storm was not the impending doom it was supposed to be, I could have shifted gears and started moving back into my business, but instead I allowed myself to stay on pause, with out guilt. And I know not only myself, but those I love most dearly are all the better for it.

Napkin Notes

My daughter takes her lunch to school most days and from the day she started kindergarten I have been writing her a short note on her napkin. These notes are short messages of my love, encouragement for her day, and a reminder to find some fun and adventure in her day. Every once in a while I will even include a silly face or cartoonish drawing just to spice it up a bit. She looks forward to these notes, and one year all the kids at her table also looked forward to seeing what her note said that day.

As she got older and learned to write better, notes started appearing on napkins in my lunch. Short, sweet reminders of her love for me, that I am the best mom in the world, wishes for a good day. And they always seem to show up on days that I need them most. I got one on Tuesday telling me “I love U very much. xoxoxo.”  Only the “ I” was drawn as an actual eye and the “love” was a heart.

It was timely because the day before I had been trying to survive a nasty headache. It made me grumpy, short tempered, and generally not fun to be around. And after my not so great mommy day of the day before, she shows me grace and love in her napkin note to me.

This week our church lit the third Advent candle, for us it was Love. CJ's and my napkin notes to each other are really love notes. And my contemplative focused spirit got to thinking, what would an Advent napkin note from God look like? I like to think that each one of our napkin notes would be just a bit different; specially written to each one of us. This is what I imagine my napkin note from God to be to me this Advent season.

                    Dear Precious Child,

                    I love the intentionality that you enter into Advent with. Your careful preparation of your

                    spirit and the guiding preparation of your family bring me joy. Please remember, these

                    spiritual times do not have to be complicated or perfect. I just want you to spend time

                    with me. I want you to find the Peace, Hope, Love, and Joy of the advent season as

                    simply as you can. And if in the mist of your life caring for my children, creation and 

                    those that I have entrusted to your care a day here or there gets missed, please don’t feel

                    guilty, just try again tomorrow. I know you are doing your best.

                                                                                                I love you, ALWAYS.

                                                                                                            God

What does your napkin note from God say to you?

Lengthening the Apron Strings

A while back I was chatting with some other moms at work and we got to discussing teaching our kids responsibility and independence.  It was a timely conversation because just a few short days before my husband and I were talking about this and how and when would be appropriate to encourage further independence for our daughter.  I was very uncomfortable to the point of being somewhat resistant to the conversation. But sensing how deeply he felt about the topic at hand, I tried to engage with an open heart and mind our conversation.

It was as I was talking with this group of moms that I discovered the source of my resistance.  As is often the case when chatting about parenting, I said what I often do “with C growing up as an only child…..” That was when the light went on.  C is my only living child, and as such I recognize that I tend to be much more protective of her. What I had not realized was how deeply rooted and emotional that protection went. The idea of soon having her make her own breakfast or take responsibility for getting herself up with an alarm clock in the morning shakes my soul.  It is a removal of just a few more things that I have gotten used to doing for “my baby.” It is one more reminder that my baby is growing up.

In the shadows of this it is also a reminder of the fact that there is only one child I got to do these things for. There are no more little ones after her for me to continue doing these tasks. But there was supposed to be another one and grief becomes two-fold once more.  This is what makes it so hard for me to keep “lengthening the apron strings” and giving more independence to my child.  With each new set of tasks of independence and responsibility come with it another round of grief over “my baby” growing up. It is one more thing that this very protective momma has to let go of. It is yet a reminder that this is the last time I may get to do this at all, because the one that was to come next, never got to live.

And so it is in this tension of knowing I need to let the “apron strings” get a bit longer, let my precious not so little one gain more independence and the simple fact that my heart does not want to to it.  I want to keep her close, where I can protect her because the thought of anything happening to her, my only living child, is just more than my heart can handle.

It is in this space of tension that I am grateful for my husband who pushes me and is her champion for more independence and forces me to face myself and let go a bit more. It is in this space that God and I do a lot of talking and I tug on God’s apron strings just bit harder asking to be gathered in closer. 

It is in the nearness of my image of a parent God, who also had to let the child Jesus go into our world, that I find my comfort and strength to do what I know is right in giving more independence and responsibility. It is in the gathering into God’s presence that I find the courage to face again my two-fold grief and rage about how unfair it is that I have to do this. After my tears are spent and the snuffling breaths turn into deeper more sustaining breaths, I know what I must do and I venture back into my world of living and grieving that are all wrapped up into one. I also know that this will not be the last time that I find myself at this crossroad and that each time I will have the strength of faith to give my precious one wings to fly.

It Always Comes in Threes

I’m a bit late getting the blog up this week because – well – life happened.  In our family we have a saying, “stuff always comes in threes.” Stuff is the word I use for those random life events that are badly timed and more than inconvenient.  And I don’t know about you but these threesome events always happen in the week where I really don’t have time to add more chaos. This was one of those weeks.

I don’t want to sound like I am whining because I really am not.  I recognize that I am very blessed and the stuff we dealt with this week really was “first world problems.” For a while now our printer has been on hospice, we really have no idea when it will finally decide to quit printing for good, we already can only print in black and white. Then this week my hubby’s computer decided it was time to quit working properly requiring a trip to the Apple store to get it going again, but only for a little bit longer. The computer is on supportive care and will need to be replaced. It was after the computer issue that I realized we were headed towards a string of three.  I was waiting for the third. The third thing came quickly after the computer – our freezer quit working requiring a necessary shopping trip for a new fridge/freezer combo.  All of this in a week that was already full with extra meetings and doctor appointments and a kiddo out of school for two days. What was to be a busy week turned into chaos.

I don’t like chaos.  It is hard to navigate normal life amidst chaos. I find it hard to stay centered. The morning we discovered the freezer broke I could not be still enough to focus on my devotions and I felt guilty about just giving up on them. I worried about how we were going to replace everything that was broken and how my daughter was going to handle the fact that our evening routines were turned upside down for several nights in a row. I tried to remind myself that we are blessed to be able to afford to replace the broken fridge and technology.  I knew I was beyond blessed that I could go to the grocery store and replace the food that was lost due to the broken freezer. I just was annoyed at how my nicely planned week got turned upside down.

And then I experienced grace extended by my 9 year old. She jumped in and did every extra task asked of her with out complaining. She handled with grace an exceedingly long day of running around getting computers fixed and fridge/freezer combos bought. She adapted and moved into the chaos with an amazing flexibility that caused me to stop and refocus and breathe into the chaotic schedule of the week.

Her attitude reminded me that the best way to handle “strings of threes” is to flow into the chaos and tackle it one thing at a time. To find someone to join you in the chaos and help you with the multiple overwhelming tasks, because it is easier to breathe into flowing with it if you are not trying to survive it alone. And if you can find something humorous about it, laugh because laughing lightens the load a bit. And finally, you don’t always have to fix it all in one night (even if it might feel like it). Sometimes you just have to put it all aside for a while, do some self care, get a good nights sleep and come back to it later.

Once I remembered these things, I found myself finding my center again. I began seeing the blessings God was providing like friends loaning coolers and my kiddo waking up in the morning and making me my breakfast smoothie, just to surprise me.  And just like that amidst the chaos of my most recent “string of threes” God’s grace was abundant.

As You Walked Away

The month of August I am going to be sharing with you my poetic reflections that came from my Sabbath time “unplugged.”  My soul burst forth blessing me with words that had been silent and missed for too long. I am sharing these words in hopes that at least some of them will bless you as the writing of them blessed me.

This first reflection comes from my experience watching my daughter walk away and join a group of boys at the youth activities on board ship. She walked away with out a backward glance or a good bye.  It was the first time she walked away into a group of boys.  She is not quite 9 and I know it was completely innocent kid friendship, but all my momma’s heart could see was those two boys with her in between them and her completely oblivious to her mom in the background.  My heart was not ready.

AS YOU WALKED AWAY

You have been my little girl for oh so long.

But today I saw a confident young lady 

beginning to blossom.

My Momma’s heart expands with pride and

constricts with a bit of panic at the same time.

I’m so not ready for this!

This next phase of your life.

But for now you are still in this place of in between

Not quite a little girl

But not fully a young lady.

You still will snuggle with me in public,

And be silly

Without a thought.

I’ll cherish this time for I know it will not last for long.

I know this because I watched you tonight walk away from me

And join that group of boys.

And as you did,

I saw you grow up just a bit more

Right before my eyes.

I barely even blinked.

I left quietly with a deep breath realizing

I’ll witness this moment of growing up

Right before my eyes

AGAIN and AGAIN.

And each time it will be hard.

And I will not be ready for it.

But I will gently blow my love and encouragement

like the wind,

Lifting your wings to help you soar.

Because as your Momma 

that is what my love for you calls me to do.

I Love You!