Resolutions From A Season of Being Present

         

            If you are a regular follower of Chaplainhood you may have noticed a change in the content over the month of December and a noticeable lack of my more narrative and reflective posts. This was not intentional, but rather the result of a practice I started in November that carried on through December. Now that December closing and the eve of the New Year is upon us, I have decided it time to put my reflections into words.

            With November came the annual posts on Facebook of daily posts regarding what people were thankful for. I love the idea of giving intentional thanks and encourage people to engage in the practice in whatever form works for them. This year I felt called to a slightly different practice of thanksgiving recognition. I did not want to just post words about what I was thankful for, but instead wanted to practice being fully present to what I was thankful for. This meant a change in behavior. Not an easy thing to do, since I had become tethered to my phone and the Facebook app had become a very bad habit of distraction. I had to really work to remember to put the phone down and not worry about recording every “cool” and meaningful moment for posterity, but rather to just experience the moment. To help with this, I did the unthinkable; I took the Facebook app off the phone and gave myself a time limit of no more than 10 minutes to check in on the necessities. November was hit and miss and it really was not until the start of Advent I finally felt I was being fully present to the experiences of my life.

            The first time I felt like I was really getting being present was over Thanksgiving spent at my parent’s house. We all went to a park so that my daughter could get outside and run off some energy. I LEFT THE PHONE IN THE CAR! And I played, I had so much fun climbing and running and spinning with C on the equipment and did not care how silly I looked. Then my dad and I took a walk. While walking and talking a huge flock of geese took off no more than 20 feet in front of us. I marveled at getting to watch the aerial dance of each goose finding his or her place in the formation. I was fully present to the wonder of this and feel I experienced more of God’s creation in that moment than I did for months previously.

            I felt more alive and at peace than I had for a while, so I extended the practice through Advent. I chose carefully what I did and did not want to participate in. I found ways to simplify the crazy rush of the Christmas season. I spent time in deep prayer and devotion and reflective writing. On my day off I took walks; nice long, cold morning walks. I reveled in the simple beauty that I saw on the way. Frost on brown plants, the nub of a pinecone remnant in a pine tree, a lone marigold hanging on, all were noticed in new, fresh ways. I gave myself permission to slow down and reprioritize the “to do” list. I gave myself permission to write different and more creative pieces for Chaplainhood. I gave myself permission to step back a bit and care for myself.

            The result is my soul has begun to bloom again and find energy. I am really noticing the little things around me that I previously would miss. I feel happier and more connected to my family. I am finding time to do things for myself. And I am beginning to feel creative once more. I am becoming more patient and less cranky (my daughter really appreciates this one.)

            As I prepare to enter a New Year, I am doing something different once more. I am actually making some New Year’s resolutions. I resolve to continue to put the phone and technology down and continue being fully present to my family and myself. I am going to continue to work on keeping a slower pace. And I am going to give myself permission to realize that I will not keep any of these on a regular basis and will need to take remedial action to regain what I learned in the last two months. I am hopeful that because the resolutions are not really new, but rather an extension of current practices that this year I might actually be successful in keeping these. 

            As we move into the preparing for a new year, what moments of grace are you being led to extend to yourself as 2016 starts? How might you find a practice to help you regain what ever it is that you may have lost touch with?

May you find deep blessing as we journey together into 2016.       

Mommy would you just be with me: Navigating the doing vs. being of family life

When it comes to just being in the presence of people and not feeling like I have to be doing something, I knock this one out of the park as a chaplain. However, at home it’s a whole other story. Fall and into the Advent/Christmas season tends to be a busy creative time for me with multiple birthdays, Halloween and the requisite costumes, and other tempting seasonal projects. I can get a bit create-obsessed, and it is usually creating for someone I love.   

This is all well and good, particularly when my creating obsession leads me to coolest mom ever status by my daughter because I had created the absolutely perfect “Frozen” themed napkin rings for her fancy birthday dinner. Or more recently as my husband and I spent many hours painting and decorating her newly re-done room, that she has dubbed perfectly her and thus launches us once more to coolest parent status.

But there are other times when my penchant for creating leads me to having blinders on and I then miss what my family is really asking of me. The light dawned one night after “spending time” with my daughter earlier this fall. She was watching a movie and I was sewing something for her. I asked her how the evening was, and in her young truthful way, she told me it was not what she had hoped for. She had really just wanted me to sit on the couch and watch the movie with her. To just be with her, not doing anything.

Let me tell you this was a very humbling moment. It was at that time that I realized the very thing I pride myself on doing so well as a chaplain was the one thing I was really failing at, at home. It is never a pleasant experience having your child call you out on something, especially something so crucial as being fully present to her/him. Fortunately I believe in grace, both giving and asking for it. In this moment, I found myself asking my daughter for grace and forgiveness for missing the mark completely on her need. I was blessed to receive it.

But the thing is, this lesson only works if I make the changes my mistake pointed out to me. So I find myself questioning, why is it so hard to just be with my family? Is it the stack of dishes sitting in the kitchen, the laundry that needs to be done, the to-do list a mile long that drowns out the more important needs of just being quiet and without distraction with my family. Perhaps. Maybe, though, it is more the case that at certain times my priorities get out of whack and I lose perspective on what is truly important. And this is why I am grateful for grace and a very smart daughter.

So as we enter the season of Advent, a time of preparing our hearts for Christ’s birth, I also recognize we are entering a season of busy. The parties, the gifts, the decorating, the baking, and the list could go on. I am trying something new this year I am simplifying and letting my very smart daughter guide me on the experiences of the season that are important to her. I’m taking a brave step and letting go of the seasonal to do list and having faith that the most important things will get done. Hoping that by the time my family is gathered around me on Christmas Eve and Christmas I have given them the best gift of all, my time being fully present with them.

There is one other very important lesson I have learned, sometimes the things you do the best at your job are the hardest to do at home. Because either you are worn out from doing it all day at work, or maybe even more importantly because you can’t really be the chaplain for your family.  But then, that’s another blog for another day.