Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Mommy would you just be with me: Navigating the doing vs. being of family life


When it comes to just being in the presence of people and not feeling like I have to be doing something, I knock this one out of the park as a chaplain. However, at home it’s a whole other story. Fall and into the Advent/Christmas season tends to be a busy creative time for me with multiple birthdays, Halloween and the requisite costumes, and other tempting seasonal projects. I can get a bit create-obsessed, and it is usually creating for someone I love.   

This is all well and good, particularly when my creating obsession leads me to coolest mom ever status by my daughter because I had created the absolutely perfect “Frozen” themed napkin rings for her fancy birthday dinner. Or more recently as my husband and I spent many hours painting and decorating her newly re-done room, that she has dubbed perfectly her and thus launches us once more to coolest parent status.

But there are other times when my penchant for creating leads me to having blinders on and I then miss what my family is really asking of me. The light dawned one night after “spending time” with my daughter earlier this fall. She was watching a movie and I was sewing something for her. I asked her how the evening was, and in her young truthful way, she told me it was not what she had hoped for. She had really just wanted me to sit on the couch and watch the movie with her. To just be with her, not doing anything.

Let me tell you this was a very humbling moment. It was at that time that I realized the very thing I pride myself on doing so well as a chaplain was the one thing I was really failing at, at home. It is never a pleasant experience having your child call you out on something, especially something so crucial as being fully present to her/him. Fortunately I believe in grace, both giving and asking for it. In this moment, I found myself asking my daughter for grace and forgiveness for missing the mark completely on her need. I was blessed to receive it.

But the thing is, this lesson only works if I make the changes my mistake pointed out to me. So I find myself questioning, why is it so hard to just be with my family? Is it the stack of dishes sitting in the kitchen, the laundry that needs to be done, the to-do list a mile long that drowns out the more important needs of just being quiet and without distraction with my family. Perhaps. Maybe, though, it is more the case that at certain times my priorities get out of whack and I lose perspective on what is truly important. And this is why I am grateful for grace and a very smart daughter.

So as we enter the season of Advent, a time of preparing our hearts for Christ’s birth, I also recognize we are entering a season of busy. The parties, the gifts, the decorating, the baking, and the list could go on. I am trying something new this year I am simplifying and letting my very smart daughter guide me on the experiences of the season that are important to her. I’m taking a brave step and letting go of the seasonal to do list and having faith that the most important things will get done. Hoping that by the time my family is gathered around me on Christmas Eve and Christmas I have given them the best gift of all, my time being fully present with them.

There is one other very important lesson I have learned, sometimes the things you do the best at your job are the hardest to do at home. Because either you are worn out from doing it all day at work, or maybe even more importantly because you can’t really be the chaplain for your family.  But then, that’s another blog for another day.