Breaking the Rules

Have you ever been afraid of doing something that you think is a good idea in theory, but maybe not in real life? This coming Friday, January 30^th, 2015 is my last day as a Palliative Care Chaplain. I’ve spent the last two years in this wonderful ministry and have found it deeply profound, full of grace, mystery, heartache, forgiveness, sorrow and love. I have learned about peace, acceptance and courage from my patients and families. I have learned humor, perhaps even a twisted sort of humor, from my colleagues.  And, yet, I’m leaving. There is some grieving there. I have some amazing colleagues and friends.

While I’m grateful to be not just any chaplain, but a Palliative Care Chaplain, I long for something different. I’ve been in worship the last two years as a participant in the church, but not as a minister. I accept now that the church calls my name. I miss the relationships, the creativity, joys and even the frustrations of being a congregational minister. I miss the rhythm of the church, from Advent through Ordinary Time. I miss the excitement of waking on a Sunday morning knowing that worship is today, when the doors are thrown wide open and folks come in looking for something, needing something that they can’t find anywhere else…

I left the church looking for ways to minister in pastoral care, and I’ve found them, in abundance. But, I also know I need more balance with other areas of ministry. And, I’m finally at a place where I accept that where I’m at right now isn’t where I need to be in the future.

So, what’s so scary about that? I broke all the rules. I gave my two weeks’ notice before I had anything else lined up. Crazy, right? What’s it mean to be a minister and not have an actual ministry job? Except, I think right now, it can mean anything. It can (and I hope) it means I’m open to wherever I’m called. Here’s the thing. Once I said the words out loud I felt free. A burden had been lifted from my being and it felt so right and good.  I feel like I’ve taken a risk in life and in ministry and instead of being afraid, I feel at peace. And, it’s wonderful.  


Photos courtesy of Joy Freeman

The Blessing of Personhood

Beginning Again – New Connections

Besides being a hospital chaplain, mother and wife, I am also a labyrinth enthusiast. For those who may not know what a labyrinth is, it is a singular winding path that has the same way in as out and is used as a prayer and meditation tool. It is found in many religions, including Christianity. The labyrinth I am most familiar with is called a Chartres Patterned labyrinth based off the labyrinth found in the Chartres Cathedral in France.

My journey with the labyrinth has been on going for 15 years now. I use it in my own personal devotional time, as well as guiding others on labyrinth experiences as a certified labyrinth facilitator. It is my journey with the labyrinth that healed my family after the death of our second child, Hope, at 14 weeks gestation. A year after Hope’s death I found myself in desperate need of completing my dream of building a labyrinth in my back yard, so as a family, we built that labyrinth.  We named it Hope’s Labyrinth in memory of our child/sibling and found healing as a family. Four years later, I was sought out by a woman writing a book about women who built labyrinths and asked me to tell her the story of Hope’s labyrinth for the book. She took the time to connect each one of the women in her book, creating a group of women connected not only by words on a page, but also in a shared spirit.

Fast forward to this past December and my trip to Hawaii. It just so happened that one of the women in this group lived on Maui, one of the islands we were to visit. I realized I could not visit Maui without meeting this woman to whom I was connected. So on our last day in Hawaii, we drove out to visit her and her labyrinth. We were graciously greeted with hugs.  Genuine excitement and pleasure of meeting us and sharing stories of labyrinths came through our meeting. That welcome of me, mostly a stranger, was a blessing, as was my time in her garden.

I walked her labyrinths, the sound of a nearby rushing stream surrounding me. Lush green trees and plants, exotic to this Colorado/Kansas girl, a vision of serenity. As I approached the labyrinth, camera in hand, I noticed a rock with the words Begin Again, carved into it. With our trip coming to an end and the New Year just on the horizon, I contemplated those words. The trip was not ending.  It was sending back into my life renewed in body, mind and spirit, to have the opportunity to begin my daily life again energized and rested.  The New Year was on the horizon.  Those words pushed me to consider how I wanted to begin again in a new year, living a life that acknowledges the way we are connected. As I pondered these thoughts, I noticed some vines that had grown woven together.  Once again reinforcing for me the importance of being connected. 

I was deeply grateful for camera in hand as I stopped my walking to take a picture.  Some might argue that having the camera on this prayer experience was a distraction.  But for me it was different.  Having the camera gave my eyes and heart a different perspective to see and ponder simple things I might have other wise missed. 

I am pretty sure I have not even begun to delve into the depths of everything the morning at The Sacred Garden gave me.  I know the experience has given me food for thought and food for my soul that will nourish my quiet moments.  I am beginning again, renewed and grateful for the entire experience, including the half dozen mosquito bites gained.  And that truly is a new perspective for me.

A Portable Christmas

Seeing as how we have not yet reached Epiphany, another Christmas post seems very appropriate to me right now. We have traveled to Hawaii several times, but have always wanted to travel there at Christmas time. So this year we packed up the family – mom, dad, kiddo and grandparents – and went to Hawaii for Christmas.  In order to do this some things had to be different. Most different was that there were no under the tree presents, the trip was the present. 

           

When one is taking your family Christmas celebration on the road, it takes quite a bit of planning and thoughtfulness. I found myself sorting through all our traditions and saying is this is a tradition because it is truly important to how we celebrate Christmas, or is it a tradition because we have always done it this way. This thought pattern helped me determine what was truly important to our celebration this year.  So the “stuff” of Christmas we took with us was our Christmas stockings (an important tradition four generations old), a picture of the nativity that my daughter colored on the airplane and our version of a portable Advent Wreath, once again colored by my daughter. There was no tree, no lights, no extra trappings. It was our most important traditions, our Bible on the iPad with the Christmas Story and us together as family.

Attending Christmas Eve services is an important ritual in our family, but being unfamiliar with churches in the area we decided to do our own. Easy to do when you are a chaplain and grandpa is a retired pastor. We cooked dinner in our condo and ate it on the lanai with colored nativity and Advent Wreath with electric candles adorning the center of the table. After dinner we read the Christmas story, talked about the word for the day from the Advent devotional we were following and “lit” the wreath. We ended by singing “Silent Night” and Joy to the World.” My father reflected how to him our service was reminiscent of the Jewish tradition of family worship at the table after a meal.  It struck me as a very appropriate way to celebrate the birth of a Jewish child that was the Christ Child. I have been at many Christmas Eve services, many of them very moving and special. But this in its bare bones simplicity that focused on the Christ child due to lack of trappings held a deep, deep meaning to me.

Christmas morning we got up early (3 am) to drive up Haleakala (the volcano on Maui) to watch the sunrise. There is only one way to describe the experience of watching the sunrise on Christmas morning from the top of the world. Holy Amazement. The whole time as I was fighting to stand upright in the bitterly cold wind (we were above 10,000 feet) all I could think of was the first two verses of Genesis; “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the spirit of God was hovering over the waters (Genesis 1:1-3, NIV). And also John 1: 1-2, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God.  He was with God in the beginning” (NIV). On the top of that volcano with about 200 – 300 of the closest strangers, as the sun rose, it became reverently quiet. To see such beauty of Christmas morning breaking with the words of scripture echoing in my head was humbling to say the least and deeply holy at the heart of the experience. It was worth every hour of lost sleep and is an experience that will forever more shape my experience of why it is that I, as a Christian, celebrate Christmas.

That afternoon we spent playing in the water on the beach. The gift of fun and laughter was very much at the center of the afternoon.  As was the gift of humility as I attempted to bodysurf and provided great entertainment to my family and any watching from the beach.   

We may have spent Christmas in a very exotic location, but it was actually far from exotic. Instead it was beautifully simple giving me something much more profound than I could have ever expected. Christmas this year was something so much more long lasting than the few special trinkets I received in my stocking. It gave me a deeper connection to my appreciation of the Christmas story and the gifts of Advent of Love, Hope, Peace and Joy. It gave me time to deeply connect with my family, away from the distractions of the busyness of a home Christmas. I experienced Christ in a whole new way through those that choose to serve us weary travelers on the blessed day of Christmas. This portable Christmas in many ways, gave the spirituality of Christmas back to me in a whole new way. For this I am deeply grateful.