I imagined the children that should have been. Children that should have been playmates to our son, that should have filled my arms with love, that should have been with us always...Instead I was left with an emptiness that threatened to engulf my very being.
There is no easy way or fast way to grieve the death of a child. It's hard, gritty and lonely work. And, it's a grief that never ends. Certainly my grief was complicated by my cancer, and I cannot think of one without remembering the other. It is a time that profoundly changed my innermost self, the trajectory of my ministry and my relationship with God.
I felt abandoned and punished by God. In response I became angry and depressed. In time healing overcame those wounds, but they remain tender spots for me. I looked in vain for resources that would 'fit' me and to my dismay I did not find what I needed for the care of my wounded spirit.
Many of us have experienced the death of a child--we are a shadow sisterhood, linked together by sorrow, whether we know each other or not. It is for this reason Joy and I co-edited and contributed to a resource for grieving mothers and those caring for them. It is a project born from our own heartache and desire to use those experiences for ministry.
Still A Mother: Journeys through Perinatal Bereavement will be released by Judson Press in February of 2016. It is a collection of narratives, of the tender-most experiences of seven women who also happen to be clergy. Together, Joy and I are in awe of those women who have exposed their most private thoughts of their own grief journey.Joy and I will continue to provide updates about the book from time to time. We are quite excited about this project and are hopeful it can provide some help for those who have similar, though different, experiences.
This summer we were interviewed by Rev. Christine Smith, author and creator of the blog Shepastor. For the next few weeks she will write about Still A Mother and our conversation together. http://shepastor.blogspot.com/
