Raising a Young Lady of Strength

One of the pastimes in our family is Martial Arts, multiple martial arts. We all do Tae Kwon Do, also Hap Ki Do for my husband, and Tai Chi for my husband and me. We have lots of years of experience under our belts, so to speak. I have my black belt, and I use that experience and knowledge to guide my daughter on her own journey to achieving her Tae Kwon Do black belt. I, however, am not her primary teacher. That privilege goes to the teachers at our school. Really, she and I are enough alike that it is better that way.

She and I have shared this journey for nine years. It started before she was born. Yes, you read that right. I took private lessons while I was pregnant with her. Granted, they were very modified for my and her safety and with doctors’ permission. After she was born, she went with me every week to class, and as soon as she could walk well and be aware of what I was doing, was in there trying to do what I was. But I was always careful to not push her into Tae Kwon Do. I always wanted her to choose it as something she wanted to do, not something I made her do just because my husband and I did it. But I will admit that my heart was very happy the day she asked to take lessons and work towards getting her own black belt.

So now we go to class together, working-out side by side. She loves to spar with me and also to compete with me to see who can kick the hardest on the kick pad. On some days she comes close to beating me in kick pad kicks. All of this has to do with physical strength, and it is very important particularly as a she works towards breaking her first board. In fact, last week she attempted to break a board and she did it. The look on her face as she realized that she actually broke it was priceless, it was a look of shocked, pleased, surprise. She keeps that board in her room and tells everyone who will listen to her about her board break.

After that day she broke the board, I realized that it is more than just physical strength that she is learning. And it is more than physical strength that I want her to learn. Journeying along side her I have realized that she is learning about strength of character, the importance of trying and trying again to learn something that is challenging. She is learning about the strength of respect. And she is learning the strength of self-confidence.

These are all things that I want her to learn to help her grow into the strong, independent, and compassionate young woman I want her to be. I want her to know the importance of growing strong in faith, and the importance of a strong bond with a church family. I want her to know the strength that comes in questions and searching and discovering her faith-path for her own. I want her to know that there is strength in tears and asking for help. I want her to know that I am not the only one who is with her on this journey of growing up into a strong, confident, and compassionate young woman.

And I am having to learn along-side her, as well. As her personality grows and shapes into this strong and confident young lady, I am having to learn that I sometimes have to back off. I can’t control everything she does. I have to learn to trust in the positive strengths I have instilled in her, and the strength of values that she has been raised with. We are only starting this part of the adventure, and it is already hard. I am having to lean onto my strength of faith, in my daughter, our family, our church family, our Tae Kwon Do family and all of those in our village who is helping to raise her.

I look forward to the journey ahead, both in our relationship as a strong mother and a strong daughter. I anticipate many more sparing matches where she spreads her strengthening wings to stand up for herself, be it physically as we practice Tae Kwon Do together or emotionally as she continues to learn about her own feelings and expressing  them. I look forward to this even if it means I sport a few bruises, physical or emotional. Because it means I have done my job. I have prepared her to move into the world, confident in herself, her emotions, her abilities, her faith and ability to stand on her own.  So stay tuned, I’m sure there are more lessons to be learned on this adventure.

Calendar Clearing and Space Creating

My life can get a little overcrowded at times. It comes with the territory of being mother to a very extroverted and active kiddo and having multiple interests and obligations myself. Include the fact that I take any commitment I make to an event or group seriously, and you get the recipe for becoming too busy and forgetting to make time to just be. Being to busy is dangerous for me, as I am an introvert and a bit of a contemplative.

It was in this space of too busy several weeks ago that I did something very out of character for me:  I blew off a meeting that originally I felt I should attend. This particular meeting was a group I am a part of, but not in leadership. The reality was the group would survive just fine if I missed that meeting and the need to/should be there was really very much self-imposed. If I am completely honest, it was not just a “I’m not going to go” thought, it was very much a “screw it, I’m simply too tired to drag myself out the door for another meeting thought”.

I will admit that this thought is very counter intuitive to my overly responsible orientation. My thought was close to what I consider cursing. And I will admit that I was at the point of being too tired and busy to care. Because it was something I could easily cut from the long list of things to do, it was also very freeing and provided space for some much needed rest.

I was talking with an acquaintance from the group – apologizing for not being there and confessed to my “screw it” thought. Following it up with a tongue in cheek thought about how maybe that should be a spiritual discipline. The discipline of “ahh screw it.” She simply laughed and said now that’s a blog I would read.

It did get me thinking, what if we did practice this to some extent? Not with the true obligations and responsibilities -  I’m not advocating for just dropping what ever we want because it is inconvenient or because we just don’t want to. What I am talking about is in those times when we are overwhelmed with the calendar of activities and meetings sitting down and taking an honest assessment of what it is that we can let go of to create the space we need.

I wonder, is much of our busy-ness and feeling of obligation self imposed? I know for me it is - such as the feeling only I can do this, or this needs to get done today, when in reality someone else may also be able to take on that particular task or it really can wait for another day.

As my kiddo grows and becomes more active, asks to go play with a friend and have other people besides me in her life she wants to spend time with, I also realize how important it is for me to make space for her when she asks me to. I don’t ever want to be so rigid to my calendar that it does not have space for the spontaneous partaking of life-giving events. And I am discovering that to do that, I have to be willing at times simply to give up my self-perceived obligations that take me away from what fills up my soul for the rest of the must-do obligations and responsibilities.

“Ahh screw it” may be just a bit harsh a name for this space giving. But it was just the jolt that this overly busy mom in ministry needed to get back to the priorities of work/life/play balance. It reminded me that being “super mom” actually means not trying to do it all and instead make sure I am able to be present to my family. Even if that means letting go of certain things.

I know that this will be an ongoing journey and process for me. But I am hopeful that I’ll eventually find the life-giving balance. I also take comfort that I am not alone on this journey, I wonder do you have places where you need to create some space?

Mother's Day - Not Aways so Easy

Mother’s Day is just a short few days away.  While growing up it meant sending cards to the various important women in my life, making sure I did something special for mom and I never thinking much more about it. And it went on that way until the two years my husband and I were trying to get pregnant with our oldest. Sitting in church with all the mothers with their corsages and mentions of how mothers are important was painful to my soul that wanted so badly to be a mother. A deeper awareness of how painful this day can be came when our second child Hope died and I became even more aware of how Mother’s Day can be sweet with loving attention from one child while also deeply sad with memories of the child who died.

Living with this tension has made me very aware of how there are so many who struggle with this day. As the TV is filled with commercials reminding us to get mom the perfect gift, do something special, be sure you make the day all about mom I can’t help but think of moms who arms are empty due to the death of a baby, older child or loss of a pregnancy; women who are struggling with infertility; mother-child relationship that are strained or estranged; those who’s mothers have died and they are left grieving and even fathers who are raising kids all on their own. I think of women who have chosen not have their own children but are very involved as mother figures in other kids lives, I have a couple of women in my own life who have been like mothers that are very special. It’s not always an easy day. And is a day where I try to walk through it with an extra measure of grace, kindness and gentleness.

Every mother’s day since I have been on Facebook I try to post something acknowledging this tension and the mixed feelings that mother’s day brings. I like to remind us that it is ok to not feel all warm and fuzzy and to have the need just to survive the day. Because after all it is just one day and with tomorrow there is the promise of a new day.

But today I want to give some words of wisdom for accompanying mothers who are grieving children on this day, both children who have died and also the hopes of children that have not come due to infertility. Please do not be afraid of our tears. Please do not be afraid of acknowledging this day with us and that it may make us cry. There is a lot that makes us cry. Most every day has something that makes us remember our little ones. It is part of life for us we learn to live with it and feel blessed by those who choose to journey beside us fearlessly.

If you know our child/children’s names please feel free to speak them to us. It helps us know that others are remembering them too. Let us know that you are thinking of us in some way, help us not feel so alone, because as time goes on this journey can get lonely. And remember each one of us experiences this a bit differently, if you are unsure of how to help us survive the day, ask us and just be there.

So as we move towards Mother’s Day on Sunday I invite you to join me in an extra measure of grace and gentleness, to have a measure of awareness for those who may be hurting or grieving just a bit more, and know that we are in this together.