When the Chaplain’s Heart Breaks

            If I were to say I love what I do every single minute, I would be stretching the truth a bit. The reality is, sometimes I have some really hard days, with some real tough stuff to help families and staff through. Don’t get me wrong, I would not choose to do anything different with my calling, but some days my heart is stretched a bit. Add to this the unavoidable personal tough stuff and my heart gets stretched even more.

            I would really like to believe that all my skills as a chaplain have equipped me to handle all this heart-stretching with grace and in a healthy way that puts me at the other side of it all, completely whole. However, this is not always the case.  Sometimes my heart gets stretched too much and it breaks. I find the burden of grief comes pouring out because it is just too much to continue carrying it all. Sometimes it is awkward and uncomfortable and almost never at a good time. Sometimes it is a challenge to find the space to let the grief pour out, because ministry does not always allow for me to create this grief release on my terms.

            I have had to learn, and am still learning, that sometimes I just have to step away, ask for help and let the grief happen. I have had to learn there is no timeline on grief, that grief can come back even years later, maybe different, but still screaming for attention as loudly as the first day I experienced it.

            What is ironic is that these are all things I tell my patients and families routinely, but yet my own heart still has a hard time learning it. It is impossible to be a chaplain to yourself. This is where it is important to have a good community of colleagues and friends who can gently show me it may be time to seek out help. Those who can help me remember that I am human. That I can’t always do this grief thing on my own and it is ok to need help.

            It is easy to fall into the trap of trying to always seem like you have it together. But that is far from the reality at times. Just maybe, it is okay to have times where I really don’t have it together, feel a complete mess, and don’t know how to get myself pulled back together. I don’t have to like it, but maybe these times are necessary in helping me be better in my understanding and my compassion.