The Journey of a Dream

              Not that long ago I was sitting in the comfy rocker/recliner I have in my office doing my morning devotions and I looked over at the file cabinet. My gaze landed on a 5 X 7 piece of paper that I had stuck up there 3 1/2 to 4 years ago. I had forgotten about that piece of paper or what it said, so I went over and looked at it. It was something I had done in our church’s worship service as part of a conversation on visioning. Part of the exercise was to reflect on a journey of renewal. On that piece of paper I had written a personal dream – to finish writing Hope’s and my stories. There were other questions to reflect on, too, such as what changes would I need to make? What might I lose?  What might I gain? The other part of the exercise was to share what we had written with one other person that was there. Speaking my dream made it a bit more real, but at the time I had no idea or real intention of pursuing the idea beyond maybe doing a bit of personal writing in a journal. I had no clue that dream would take root as it did and take me on the journey I have been on for the last two years.

            As I write this I am only a few short days away from February 1st and the release of Still A Mother: Journeys Through Perinatal Bereavement that I co-edited with Tabatha D. Johnson. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined I would have my name on the front of a book cover. You see, writing was never my strongest talent when I was growing up. I struggled and spent hours working on research and term papers. Never was anything turned in without at least a couple of proof readings by my parents. They proofread papers for me all the way through the end of my seminary career. It truly was a labor of love, for which I am eternally grateful.

            Thinking about this journey and the questions of what might I gain and what might I lose, I know now that I had no clue just how important this dream was to me. I gained so much: a better sense of myself as a bereaved mother, and a courage of truth telling that I had no idea resided within me. I gained a good friend and trusted colleague in Tabatha, and found myself getting to know some other amazing women as they shared their stories with us. When I first wrote on that paper, I thought the only thing I would lose is personal time for myself, and yes, it was a sacrifice of time both on my part and the part of my family. However, I lost something else – I lost the sense of crippling grief and some of the shame that had come with me keeping my story to myself. And it was through this loss that I gained my healing.

            But also, if I am honest with myself, I have to admit there is still a bit of fear and trembling in my soul as I wait for February 1 to arrive. I am used to being vulnerable in smaller settings and one on one. However, writing Hope’s story and having it published in the book required being willing to be vulnerable to potentially the whole world (or at least a large quantity of strangers who pick up the book and read it.)  This is scary. It is scary because I have in essence given my precious little Hope to the world, and with this little one also goes a part of my soul. I wonder how will the world react?  Will it be kind? Will those reading our story be understanding of our choices and struggles? These are all questions I cannot help but wonder about.

            In the midst of the excitement, wonder, amazement and fear I have to remind myself why I started this in the first place. Not for affirmation from the world, although that would be nice. But rather for all the women who have made the journey of having a little one die too soon, so they would know that they do not journey alone. I wrote and edited in the hopes that these words will help to bring this grief back out of the shadows and into a place of understanding and compassion.

            So I invite you to share the journey with us, to read our stories and hear our hearts speak. Remember with us our little ones, and the places they hold in our families and the world. You may do so by ordering a copy at Judson Press and of course at Amazon. If you live in the Kansas City area some copies of the books will soon be available at Unique Finds in Overland Park, Kansas.