Weary of Death

Photo courtesy of R. Zane Richards, used with permission

Not that long ago my husband pulled out the stash of cards we keep for sending on occasions of thanks, celebration and sympathy. We realized our sympathy cards were running low. It was at that point I realized just how many sympathy cards we sent out last year. It was a reality check of how many special people in our lives we said good-bye to. It was a sobering reminder of how many people we supported and prayed for through the difficult time of the death of a loved one we may not have known that well. Our little family of three has experienced death more than we would like. At the age of 38, still very young in my book, I have walked the journey of grief and death on a personal level more than my age would indicate. All of this to say, as I signed another sympathy card I felt weary.

It might even be fair to say I am really tired of death. Wait, what did she just say? Yes, I, a critical care hospital chaplain, said I am tired of death. I know death is a part of life. It is something we all have to deal with. I know what to avoid saying. I know how to just be quiet and in the presence of death. I know what to do. But I am tired of doing it. I need a break. Because you see, no matter how many times I sit with a family saying their goodbyes at the hospital or spend 5 minutes crafting the best most personal words I can on a sympathy card, it never gets easier. Over time, I have learned how to step away emotionally, how to care for my tired spirit, how to do the hard work of death without having a part of me die under the heaviness of death. It does not change the fact that being present to death is hard work and there are times that even with the best self-care I get weary.

This is where I find myself now. My weariness is not that of the heavy work of personal grief, although I do quietly grieve the loss of some pretty incredible people in my life. My weariness is that of hearing of death. Of wondering when I open my e-mail or face book am I going to hear of yet another person who has died. I wonder when am I going to get space to recover this soul weariness. I know that time will come. I hope and pray it will come soon.

I have spent time over the last several days hoping and praying for the relief I sought.  In this time I have realized there are times when you cannot just keep pressing on, hoping for a break. Sometimes you have to create your own.  So weary from being present to death and some of the more heart wrenching situations of life, I took a mental health day with the blessing of my boss and ministry colleagues. I turned off the news and the radio; I did only the things I wanted to do.  I spent a good part of the day in a book completely unrelated to anything dealing with reality.  It felt good to escape.  It felt good to not be bombarded with the noise of life. I did not once feel guilty about this time away.

The result has been the start of a renewed spirit, and a lesson learned.  As much as I would like to think otherwise, I am not able to make myself keep going in the face of grief and death.  And I don’t have too. I am human just like everyone else, and I too need time let my weary soul have space to breath and rest. It is only in doing this that I can stay equipped to once again be ready to be present to death when it comes strutting back into my life and across my path. And hopefully next time I will recognize the weariness earlier and tend to my own soul more intentionally and tenderly.