Resolutions From A Season of Being Present

         

            If you are a regular follower of Chaplainhood you may have noticed a change in the content over the month of December and a noticeable lack of my more narrative and reflective posts. This was not intentional, but rather the result of a practice I started in November that carried on through December. Now that December closing and the eve of the New Year is upon us, I have decided it time to put my reflections into words.

            With November came the annual posts on Facebook of daily posts regarding what people were thankful for. I love the idea of giving intentional thanks and encourage people to engage in the practice in whatever form works for them. This year I felt called to a slightly different practice of thanksgiving recognition. I did not want to just post words about what I was thankful for, but instead wanted to practice being fully present to what I was thankful for. This meant a change in behavior. Not an easy thing to do, since I had become tethered to my phone and the Facebook app had become a very bad habit of distraction. I had to really work to remember to put the phone down and not worry about recording every “cool” and meaningful moment for posterity, but rather to just experience the moment. To help with this, I did the unthinkable; I took the Facebook app off the phone and gave myself a time limit of no more than 10 minutes to check in on the necessities. November was hit and miss and it really was not until the start of Advent I finally felt I was being fully present to the experiences of my life.

            The first time I felt like I was really getting being present was over Thanksgiving spent at my parent’s house. We all went to a park so that my daughter could get outside and run off some energy. I LEFT THE PHONE IN THE CAR! And I played, I had so much fun climbing and running and spinning with C on the equipment and did not care how silly I looked. Then my dad and I took a walk. While walking and talking a huge flock of geese took off no more than 20 feet in front of us. I marveled at getting to watch the aerial dance of each goose finding his or her place in the formation. I was fully present to the wonder of this and feel I experienced more of God’s creation in that moment than I did for months previously.

            I felt more alive and at peace than I had for a while, so I extended the practice through Advent. I chose carefully what I did and did not want to participate in. I found ways to simplify the crazy rush of the Christmas season. I spent time in deep prayer and devotion and reflective writing. On my day off I took walks; nice long, cold morning walks. I reveled in the simple beauty that I saw on the way. Frost on brown plants, the nub of a pinecone remnant in a pine tree, a lone marigold hanging on, all were noticed in new, fresh ways. I gave myself permission to slow down and reprioritize the “to do” list. I gave myself permission to write different and more creative pieces for Chaplainhood. I gave myself permission to step back a bit and care for myself.

            The result is my soul has begun to bloom again and find energy. I am really noticing the little things around me that I previously would miss. I feel happier and more connected to my family. I am finding time to do things for myself. And I am beginning to feel creative once more. I am becoming more patient and less cranky (my daughter really appreciates this one.)

            As I prepare to enter a New Year, I am doing something different once more. I am actually making some New Year’s resolutions. I resolve to continue to put the phone and technology down and continue being fully present to my family and myself. I am going to continue to work on keeping a slower pace. And I am going to give myself permission to realize that I will not keep any of these on a regular basis and will need to take remedial action to regain what I learned in the last two months. I am hopeful that because the resolutions are not really new, but rather an extension of current practices that this year I might actually be successful in keeping these. 

            As we move into the preparing for a new year, what moments of grace are you being led to extend to yourself as 2016 starts? How might you find a practice to help you regain what ever it is that you may have lost touch with?

May you find deep blessing as we journey together into 2016.       

Spiritual Disciplines of Advent: Christmas Eve/Christmas Day

Reading of Advent Scripture of your choice

Reflection on Gathering:

We have arrived, Christmas has come. Christmas Eve and Christmas day finds us gathering in many ways. We gather with our faith communities for worship, with family and friends for meals and gift giving. We gather to celebrate and spend time with those important to us. We gather to hear once more the ever important story of Jesus' birth and the message of God's love come to earth. How are these acts of gatherings important spiritual practices that feed the soul?

Practice for the week:

In the next days, as you gather with your various communities, how will you practice hospitality? How will your practice of gathering and hospitality show clearly and with out question God's love come to earth in Jesus Christ?

Time spent in quiet reflection and prayer

Amen

Spiritual Disciplines of Advent: Week 4

Reading of Advent Scripture of your choice

Reflection on Giving:

This is the season of giving, we see it proclaimed all around us. But let's take the idea of giving just a bit deeper. How can we make our giving more than just a token, but instead an act of God's presence come to earth?

Practice for the week:

Think of giving beyond just giving of gifts or end of the year donations. How might you give of yourself? How might your acts of giving help those on the fringes of society know that they are not forgotten?

Time spent in quiet reflection and prayer
Amen

A Prescription for Holy Ground

Polished, sanitized linoleum floors
IV poles and lines hooked up to person and machine
Beeps, buzzes and interruptions;

Not what most would consider the Holy of Holies.

Add in a hurting person
A person struggling with questions and change.

Give a hefty dose of a chaplain fully present
not ready to fix, but to listen deeply to the unsaid words
and ask the unasked question, the question that gets to the heart of the struggle.

Mix in two sets of tears
And an additional visit of celebration of breakthroughs that give peace,
Top with prayer and thanksgiving.

Let the day be inoculated into the chaplain's heart
And you get a prescription for a day spent on Holy Ground.

Take a deep breath and feel the after effects of humbleness for being
allowed to be present to such sacred work.
And restoration of  soul comes in thankfulness for remembering to
be fully present.

Fountain in hospital chapel. Photo credit - Joy Freeman

Spiritual Disciplines of Advent: Week 3

Reading of Advent Scripture of your choice

Reflection on Loving:

It is easy to love those who we like, it is harder to love those that perhaps need love the most.  How are we as God's people of love called to be present to those who need to know the ultimate gift of God's love that comes in the birth of Jesus?

Practice for the week:

Take time to think of those who we find hard to love or those we know who are suffering and in need of love and comfort.  Lift them up in prayer each day. Discern what actions of love and caring you might engage in to be the action of God's love in our world.  What changes do you notice in yourself?

Time spent in quiet reflection and prayer
Amen

A Day With My Soul

I spent the day with my Soul.
We wandered through the woods,
Rediscovering ourselves.

In our wanderings we remembered how
Creation Feeds us.
Reveling in memories of special places
in God's creation that we encountered in our past.

We discovered a new path near to us now that is 
a new place of quiet connection with the creation that feeds us.

Today had no agenda, no frantic pace.
My Soul and I stopped to breath and wonder
and marvel at whatever caught our eye.

We sat and drank tea together.
We listened to a good book together.
We lunched with cool kids and 
blessed them by being present.

I spent the day with my Soul and
found myself again, 
promising to not let so much time go by
before we spend the day together again.

Spiritual Disciplines of Advent: Week 2

Reading of Advent Scripture of your choice

Reflection on Being:

At this time of year there are many messages all around us that confuse what the season is to be about. With this can come and endless, busy list of things we "should be doing." An alternative response might be to focus on how to be fully present to the waiting in expectation for the coming of God in Christ. What kind of courage does it take to put away the list of "shoulds" and focus on just being in the season?

Practice for the week:

Take time to just be fully present to a friend or family member. Set aside a few minutes each day to be in the presence of God. How do these things change your experience of the season?

Time spent in quiet reflection and prayer
Amen

Again Oh Lord?

After the news of yesterday, and quite frankly many days before that my heart is troubled.  These words came forth this morning, and I share them here. In my weariness of news of violence no longer can my heart or voice stay silent.


AGAIN OH LORD?

Another shooting Oh Lord!
My heart cries out in weariness and frustration - 
ANOTHER SHOOTING OH LORD!

All I see are victims,
because I have come to believe that the only people left after violence like this are victims.

We each in our own way have all become victims of this violence.
Some are victims because the violence was perpetrated directly on them.

Some are victims because they are weary of being the first responding to the scene, becoming covered in blood as they rush to save lives.

Other of us become victims as we witness over and over again the events of the day on the news. 
We become victims of heart, having our souls battered over and over by the news of all this violence.

And yes, even the perpetrators are victims.
Victims of such hate and brokenness that the only response they have is violence.
The only option they can see is violence.

I am tired of seeing victims all around me.
My hear cries out - ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
How long Oh Lord until we are willing to stand together and say NO MORE!

How long oh Lord?
Have mercy on us.

AMEN.

Change Happens

You may have noticed that chaplainhood has been a bit quiet lately. This is not as much out of neglect as it is out of the simple fact that life has changed some and we needed some time to step back and reflect on these changes. We originally started chaplainhood as a shared venture into the world of blogging. We did it together because it seemed less intimidating to jump in together. At the time it made since because our ministry paths were very similar in the world of chaplaincy. Life since then has taken some interesting turns and we now find ourselves in different places in ministry. Our time writing here at chaplainhood has helped us to find our respective voices and while they complement each other they are also very different now.

One thing we have learned in this endeavor is that a healthy partnership is willing to embrace change. We are now choosing to embrace the need for change by spreading our wings and venturing forth into separate blogs. Our partnership is not dissolving, but rather expanding as we continue to support each other through guest blogging on and linking to each other’s blogs.

Joy:

 I will continue to blog here at chaplainhood, reflecting on themes of a pastoral care and chaplaincy nature, family life and the spiritual insights gained from these roles. Along side this familiar content, chaplainhood will also be a gathering place for my more contemplative writing and sharing of my love for my work with labyrinths. For now it is my hope that I will have something up every two to three weeks with additional nuggets of poetry and liturgy as inspiration strikes. The next months will be a time of me making chaplainhood more reflective of my contemplative and reflective nature not only in writing but also in the look of the blog.

Tabatha:

I'm very excited about this new adventure and continuing to develop my voice as a blogger! While a part of me will always have a chaplain perspective, I'm also at a place where I'm refining my pastoral identity--as a pastor and writer. My new blog will share some of those thoughts as well as continuing themes of family life and commentary on what's happening in the world in general, and, of course, an occasional post about my love (close obsession) with coffee. Check out my inaugural post at my new address www.brewedfaith.blogspot.com

We are excited about the opportunities that this will provide for us as well as the room this gives us to continue to grow and develop as individual writers. Thank you for journeying with us on this first part of the journey. We hope that you will continue to journey with us both at chaplainhood and brewed faith.

Spiritual Disciplines of Advent: Week 1

A while back I began thinking about different ways of approaching the four Sundays of Advent and how I might approach them from a more contemplative perspective. As I wandered around this idea, I began to think how my journey through Advent might look if I approached if from the perspective of spiritual disciplines. It is out of this wondering and pondering that the following devotional practice developed.

These practices are designed, not out of specific scriptures, but rather out of ideas that I have found important to approaching Advent from a more contemplative perspective. This also provides room for them to be paired with any of the Advent scriptures/themes that you may be choosing to follow this season. They are also written so they may be used either individually or around a table with family and friends. I encourage you to enhance the experience with the lighting of an Advent Wreath.

So please join me here each Sunday of Advent to spend a more contemplative moment in our journey towards Christmas. 

Reading of Advent Scripture of your choice

Reflection on Waiting:

In our frenzied pace to get to Christmas and the manger, what are we missing? By slowing down and giving attention to the proclamations of the weeks to come, we create room for the fullness of the story that is to unfold before us.

Practice for the week:

Make a list, individually and as a family, indicating what your hopes and dreams are for deeply experiencing the full Christmas Story this year. What is one way you can be intentional about slowing down and being attentive to these desires?

Time spent in quiet reflection and prayer

Amen

Sister's Forever: a child's grief

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and with it comes stories from mothers and fathers who have been touched by this type of grief.  We hear from clergy who speak up to remind the faithful that we can do better in supporting families affected by this type of death, loss and grief.  There is still yet another voice in this conversation that seems to get overlooked in the rush to support mothers and fathers.  It is the voice of the siblings. This is something I am more attentive to because I am a bereaved mother who is parenting a bereaved sibling.  Because of my experience navigating this path I find myself drawn to bringing awareness to this aspect of family grief associated with pregnancy and infant loss.

When supporting children as they grieve, it is important to remember their experience is as unique as they are.  What we know about children’s grief is a guide and we must take into consideration the child’s own emotional and intellectual maturity.  Alongside this, it is important to equip parents so that they may help their children grieve. Clergy can be a helpful partner to parents in this process.

It has been little over 5 years since our Hope died.  Our oldest was not quite three when Hope died. People told me that CJ would not remember. That she was too little. I know those words were meant to comfort me. They were spoken to lessen my grief stricken anxiety over how I would help her grieve the death of her little brother or sister while in the midst of my own grief.  However, they were wrong, CJ does remember, she remembers quite a lot. CJ still will sometimes talk about that week after Hope’s death, remembering me being so sad and Grammie and Grandpa telling her I just needed some time alone.  She remembers coming into my room and seeing me crying.  As CJ has gotten older, some of the details may be fuzzy, but there is one detail that is very clear for her.  There is a little brother or sister missing from her life. For my compassionate and nurturing daughter who looked forward to being a big sister, this is her forever grief.

I looked for resources for parents and children related to sibling grief specific to early pregnancy loss. I found very little, in fact I was able to find only one children’s book that I felt was applicable.  My husband and I found ourselves navigating our daughter’s unique grief without a map or compass.  Instead I find myself relying on my knowledge of general children’s grief and my skills as a chaplain to translate that to CJ’s unique grief. You may notice that I speak in the present tense. That is intentional because the first thing I learned was that her grief grows with her.  With each emotional milestone and greater maturity she asks more questions about what happened to Hope and why she died. With this comes another season of grief at her new level of understanding.

To be brutally honest, this is hard!  I have to go back into the depths of her grief, over and over again. I have to engage hard questions about what happened.  I have to remember honestly how I felt and share that, because CJ wants to know the truth. And my truth helps her know what ever she is feeling is ok. It’s hard because her need for this conversation never comes at a convenient time. And honestly sometimes I just don’t want to do this again. But I value her need for a healthy grief process so I will do it over and over again. I will do this because it means Hope is important enough to CJ and our family to keep remembering Hope.

Time has taught us that we need to give CJ concrete ways to express her grief and create ways for her to memorialize Hope for each new re-grieving she goes through.  Building our back yard labyrinth, dedicated as Hope’s Labyrinth, the year after Hope died was a good start.  Now CJ wants to write a book about her experience being Hope’s sister and how she feels about Hope dying.  Part of this may just be her wanting to be like mommy and write a book, but I am confident that it is also part of her own process of maturing grief. Knowing the benefits of writing one’s story, I will help her write hers.

Hope’s importance to CJ is often seen in her desire to share about Hope with others.  This usually happens when something around her reminds her of Hope or if someone else is talking about siblings. When she shares I feel the palpable discomfort of the person. And I cringe just a little, but I don’t shut CJ down, instead I honor her need to share about her sister (CJ has imagined Hope to be a girl). If CJ talks about Hope with you, I all I would ask is that you simply say you’re sorry Hope died and listen with caring.  All CJ really wants is an acknowledgment that she is recognized as a sister.

CJ got to see Hope on the sonogram three days before Hope died.  Because of this CJ started to form her identity as a sister. It is the loss of active sister roll that she grieves more than anything.  The loss of a role is a difficult thing to grieve as adults – let alone for a kid. So she and I spend a lot of time talking about how she misses being a sister. I find myself reminding her she is still Hope’s sister, just like I am still Hope’s mom. We also spend a lot of time talking about how our small church family is also part of our family. We explore the opportunities she has to be a good role model and like a big sister to the younger children at church.  She has a deep need to nurture, and it is a challenge to find ways to fulfill that need. People have suggested pets, and we had a fish for a while, it helped – until it died. She keeps asking for a dog.  We know one is most likely in our future in hopes that will help with her need to nurture others. We are still trying to figure out this aspect of her grief journey and it is only time that will give the healing being sought.

We quickly learned to be attentive to situations that would remind CJ of Hope.  For her the big one is the start of school each year as she sees older kids dropping off their younger brothers and sisters.  We found it helpful to engage the knowledge and support of her school social worker. We also realized it was good for CJ to have a safe place other than us to talk about Hope.  It gives us the room we need to breath and regroup. Now with three years of starts of school under our collective belts, we know we need to have the reminder conversation with her about how the start of school reminds her of Hope.  We help her remember her coping plan for the first week of school.  We also know that once CJ gets through that first week, the grief will once again lessen.

Our journey has taught me that just like my own personal grief, CJ’s grief will take its own course and have its own timeline. In my uncertainty as a parent I must trust in God’s grace and believe that her healing is coming from our compassionate listening and space giving to her grief.  

Now it is time for us all to learn from her young voice. It is time to remember that the sisters and brothers grieve too.

(A parental note: CJ’s story is shared with her permission.  Her grace in letting me share her part in our family grief is greatly appreciated.)

Writing to pause the soul

         I find the contemplative practices like labyrinth walking, meditation, contemplative written reflection, to be helpful to me in keeping centered and my soul in balance. It is in this time of contemplation that I am able to stop long enough to hear my what my soul needs to say. It is a time that I have come to need to keep myself filled and ready for my more difficult days in ministry as a chaplain.

         Because of my contemplative nature some of my writing takes on more of that kind of focus. It is more of the internal, musing type. It is never very polished and is more reflective of my deep thoughts in that moment. I never quite know when these will rise up from my soul. It is an exciting adventure waiting to see what my soul will find itself writing.

         I leave you with several of my written contemplations. Take a moment to quiet your soul, breath deep and open your heart and soul to wherever these poems/prayers may take you.

                       Dirty, Tired Feet

Dirty, tired feet - the sign of a trail well done.

In life the trail moves ever forward.

Ever changing to reflect the landscape 

of the people encountering it.

My choice is in how I walk the trail.

Do I choose to complain of my weariness?

No, instead I choose to rest, to take Sabbath.

I choose to open my eyes to more than just the trail, but to the people along it.

Those that can help me, those that need my help.

I choose to encounter God in every person and part of the trail.

In choosing God as my trail-mate I also choose the experience of the soul.

When one engages the trail in this way the landscape of the soul cannot help but be changed.

Be made more beautiful.

Dirty, tired feet - the sign of a life's journey fully engaged and well lived.

                   The Sanctuary of my Heart

What is the sanctuary I am creating in my heart?

Is my heart closed off or do I choose welcome?

Is it a place of anger or do I choose forgiveness? 


Is it a place of illness or do I choose wholeness? 


Is it a place of fear or do I choose courage?


Is it a place of hatred or do I choose peace? 


The sanctuary I choose for my heart is a place of welcome, forgiveness, wholeness, courage and peace. 


It is a place where I will choose to create intentional sacredness.


It is a place where I will seek to reach out from and choose to help create a world that all seeking refuge from injustice, pain and suffering can make their home.

            A Prayer for the new day

The sun shines the blessing of a new day.

The day is fresh with the possibility of new beginnings.

Lord open my eyes to the possibility of new beginnings around me so that I may be the instrument of encouraging blessing.

God open my heart to the new beginnings you have started in me.

Create in me a new blessing. Amen.

                   



               Senses of Stillness 

When was the last time you sat in stillness?

The kind of stillness that quiets mind, body and soul.

To turn off the noise of life and embrace all the senses of stillness.

To fully notice the feeling of the wind as it blows in a storm, cool and crisp on the face. 


To smell the coming of a cleansing storm on the wind. 


To hear the song of the night with the cicada's call and tinkling wind chimes. 


To see the trees dance in a graceful embrace of the arms of the wind. 

To feel smooth yet rough wood of a deck under bare feet. 


To taste and savor each and every sip of warm, fresh tea. 


To have the fullness of the Spirit wrap around you and cleanse you of the day so that you may slip into the sleep of the night whole and new once more.